(Stranger) Danger Will Robinson!

June 6, 2013
12:24pm

So I love pictures of my kiddos, my family...and if we are being truly honest, myself.
There are only a couple of pictures of me as a child that I know of, and even fewer that look like genuinely happy pictures of me and my siblings. Photos weren't important to my bio dad. The luxury of paying for professional photos was one that was lost on our family.
Last night we had a family friend, who also is a photographer, come over to do some shots of the family. I always imagine these photo shoots will go something like a fantasy: the kids will smile dazzingly, yet naturally. My hair will be flawless. The photographer will do me the favor of photoshopping out the little bald spot in my eyebrow due to a bad waxing the day before. The stuff of dreams, right?
Wrong. Dear baby Jesus, I was wrong.
Little Miss took one look at our friend and lost it. Hiding in my neck, crying, lost it.
Let me tell you a little secret: Little Miss is me, reinvented. She doesn't do well when people are 'in her face'. She is more like a shark. She has to circle you at a distance. But don't make eye contact with her. Then she will come closer- but still, don't meet her gaze. After a few more minutes, or hours, she will 'accidentally bump' into you.
It truly is like watching shark week.
Hubby hasn't realized this. Photo friend didn't know it. But Mommy does.
Because Mommy is the same way.
Hubby and Photo friend kept trying to make silly faces, hollering out, just general silliness in the hopes of breaking the ice. That just made her more sullen and nervous.

We went through about 75% of our photo time with her in this mood. Bribing her with gummies because we had a very small window, we were outside, it was bedtime, and the rain was starting. It was about survival.
I should have spoken up and asked them to take it down a notch. To give her time to be her sharky little self. I didn't. I was too busy trying to look cute in case he snapped a picture of me 'naturally' interacting with little man.
When we finished, she had had some time to warm up to the photo friend. She was giggly, bubbly, her normal self. I laid both kids down for a much overdue bedtime and thought about little miss's natural stranger danger alarm.

Stranger Danger anyone?

Almost all children feel nervous around new people. Some kids more than others. Attachment parenting means following the lead of your child.
- Trust and respect their need for space in new situations.
- Give them time to explore new people with you there to show them it is safe.
-Allow them to say no to new people. No forcing them to speak to strangers or give hugs or high fives if they are uncomfortable.
Trusting and following her lead with new people is hard. It is inconvenient, especially when I want to drop her off at gym child care and she is screaming she wants to go home. It's hell when I have an appointment and don't have a grandparent available to keep her.
But it is the right way. It teaches her to trust her inner instinct, because mommy trusts it. It teaches her it is okay to say no to hugs, kisses, high fives or any other touches she doesn't want- regardless of it is coming from mommy, daddy or another authority figure.
My only exception? When we are ordering food at a restaurant. If little miss wants something, she needs to look at and speak to the waitress to place her order. This teaches her to use her manners, to speak politely to wait staff and to make choices.

I wonder if they make toddler sized shark signs for her to wear: Beware of Shark Nudges.
or
Do Not Approach
hmmm. etsy idea perhaps?

Why 'Just Share' just won't work

June 5, 2013
9:00am
This morning has been interesting. Hubby has been sick, so little man (8months) and I slept on the couch sleeper sofa last night. This was more of a selfish move than a selfless move. I have a trip coming up in 4 days and did not want to be sick before leaving...hacking up a lung on the beach is not my idea of a good time.
But, the sleeper sofa is not a comfy place at all. It squeaks and every time I moved it woke little man up. His sister (almost 3) sleeps in her room in a tent, don't ask. She kept waking up for drinks of water and to pee. (At this point you would think we would understand the cycle).

All in all- last night sucked ass big time. I am exhausted and my back hurst like I am 9 months pregnant again. Rest assured, I am not.

Any-who
Little miss was playing blocks in the playroom and was playing alongside a little girl I keep who is almost 2. They have been trying to figure out how to play cooperatively (meaning interacting together) vs. playing alongside one another with no interaction. It has been an interesting experience. Both are very verbal. Hubby and I were sitting on the couch while I nursed little man and I could hear the girls beginning to get upset.
"NO NO NO NO NO"
"My blocks"
insert feet stomping
"Little miss- just share!" - Hubby

What a pat answer. The one all parents say to kids when they begin to rage over the possession of their toys. One that parents use when we are too busy doing something else and don't have/want to take the time to walk the kids through this situation. One that I am all too guilty of myself.

"You do realize they don't actually know what it means to 'just share', don't you?"-me
"..."- hubby

I detached little man from his spot on the boob and handed him over to hubby as I walked into the play room.
To say that this was an inconvenient time to walk kiddos through an emotionally charged situation (because we all know kids treat their toys like a drug lord would his dealing territory) would be an understatement.
I was in the middle of nursing an already distracted baby.
I was tired.
I needed another cup of coffee.

I got up anyway. Walking into the playroom I asked little miss what was wrong.
'She is playing with my blocks'
Little miss has decided that she wants one particular brand of blocks that it in a giant basket of blocks.

Our solution? To give our friend the other type of blocks in her own basket. I sorted them out and set them down for our friend to use. I cleared a space away from little miss where our friend can build her own wall/tower/robot/whatever the hell it is those kids build. And do you know what happened?

"Friend, come sit here with me and play."
Little Miss didn't want her friend to completely leave her space. She just needed a little separation- a little space in which to play. A little control over the situation.

Teaching a 2 and 3 year old to share is much more than teaching them the word. It is teaching them exactly what sharing looks like.
Its not forcing them to give a toy away just because someone else wants it.
Its not punishing them for wanting a toy.
It is modeling respectful language.
It is modeling respectful behavior.
It is something that requires an adults help for a while.
It is something a child should be able to say 'no' to, especially if the object in question is a favorite toy. (Because face it- if I expected you to hand over your car/cell/spouse because someone else wanted a turn with it, you would throw a bitch fit too)

Im on my 2nd cup of coffee, it's nap time, and all seems right in the world...for about 30 more minutes.

In the Beginning

I didn't know about being an attached parent when I began my journey to mommy-dom. I didn't know that there was a philosophy for parenting this way. All I knew was that I wanted to raise my children differently from how I was raised.
- I didn't want them to flinch when I touched them because too many of my touches had been hits.
- I didn't want them to fear my wrath in response to  their developing emotions.
- I didn't want them to distrust people.
- I didn't want them to look for love in unhealthy places and by doing unhealthy things.

I have been traveling this road for almost 3 years now. I have two beautiful children and am blessed to be able to provide child care for countless others. This is the story of what attachment parenting has been like for my family in the wake of almost 14 years of abused childhood followed by being adopted into a very cold family.

First, a description of what our family defines attachment parenting: we are co-sleeping, baby wearing, cloth diapering, intact, no corporal punishment or time outs type of family. We DO use time in, discussion, redirection and just plain respect to discipline our children.

Welcome to the journey!